Old Fox News Clip – DS is for Pedophiles

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Well I must have missed this broadcast back in ’07 when it aired, but I recently came across this gem and was shocked about what Fox News knows that nobody else does. Turns out, kids now have access to communication devices, like telephones, computers, telegraph wires and cans with strings.  And Nintendo is only adding to the issue with their empire of success that’s built on a mountain of child molesters and broken dreams.

In this informative, fair and balanced report, we learn that the Nintendo DS (it has dual screens, for twice the terror) appeals predominantly to children like Marissa and Melanie who enjoy hanging out in bed curled up next to a good friend, playing some old fashioned Brain Age.  But that, as we now know, is where the merriment ends. Because of an application called "Pictochat", children can communicate with news anchors inside OR outside of the mall, and apparently with relative ease. The communication takes the form of stylus drawn messages, which could also be pictures, which could also be a pedophile’s drawing of himself (or herself I guess) as an anatomically correct stick figure.  For the more artistically advanced child molesters, I’m sure they could draw a masterpiece of the human form, and potentially send it to anyone, again, inside OR outside the mall (the pen is mightier than the mall, so to speak).

If you have yet to pick up on the sarcastic undetones of this piece, then let me explain this more clearly. Despite what Reggie, an unbiased "industry expert" may say about the revolutionary potential of the Nintendo DS, sex offenders can and will use this device to destroy your home and your family, one pictochat at a time. Unfortunately, the angry parents, or the people who watch Fox News and actually refer to it as "My Fox", aren’t able to legally blame Nintendo for this travesty, as they have a clause within the users manual regarding safety for children using the device. And the angry parents can’t blame the angry parents for buying their kids expensive electronics that they have no idea how it works or what it can do because, consequently, they are themselves the angry parents. So who is left to blame? Marissa? Her conniving best friend Melanie? Mass Effect sex scenes? All of these would probably hold up in a court judged according to the strict standard of moral and ethical behavior practiced by the friends of Fox and Friends. But then again, most courts just use the law and common sense.

In summary, Fox News, my new ONLY source of solid, non-speculative reporting, has once again saved our families by warning the parents of America to become the angry parents of America and to put down the fifth of whiskey they’re using to cope with their fear of pedophiles and the Taliban, and to pick up their kid from the mall, where they will never be safe so long as they are on their Nintendo DS.


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Author: Dan Crabtree View all posts by
Dan is Managing Editor for GamerNode and a freelance gaming writer. His dog is pretty great. Check him out on Twitter @DanRCrabtree.

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