Red Faction: Armageddon Review

Red Faction: Armageddon

So, hey. Welcome to Red Faction: Armageddon Halfway House. It’s great to have you here. We like to say, “Nobody’s a loser… when everyone’s a winner,” and… we hope you’ll join us. Really, it’s just great to have you. Really.

Let me introduce you to the neighbors. A few of them can be clingy; just smile and be polite and they’ll leave you alone eventu– Oh hey, Mr. Cutscenes, how’s the wife? Mmm, that bad? Well, no marriage is perfect, I guess… What’s that? No, Mr. Cutscenes, he moved out years ago, remember? No? Yeah, he and Text-Based Storytelling got a place on Downloadable-Remakes Street a while back now. So that is… that. We’ll see you.

Phew, he is old. But don’t get me wrong… he’s rich. I mean realistic cloth animations rich. And rich enough to buy that young gold digger, Sci-Fi Narrative. Crack and domestic abuse case, I think. Keeps her on a short leash. Poor thing, she’d be a real catch if… well, age makes him rough.

The fellow one floor up gives me a bit of trouble too, Horde Mode. Noisy one, that. Always hosting, just waves of guests in there, gets louder the later it is. And his parties: awkward and repetitive at best.

Now Linear Campaign, he’s respectable. Heard he came from big money — father sold real estate, and lots of it. But the kid washed out of college, started working in deep mines out West, put a bottle to his lips and hasn’t set it down yet. Not the first time I’ve heard that story.

He’s got a good heart, bless him, just thinks too small. Takes the path of most resistance to a fault. He should just do his father’s work, but he’s that new breed. You know, needed to be his own… experience. He’s made some odd friends and takes after them. Bar rat named Dead Space, mostly, and the bartender, Gears O’War, with his big movie sets and model tanks. If you ask me, the kid should spend more time with Ms. Narrative; they’d be good for each other.

Sounds like the full house is in. Hello? Oh, hello then. Here’s Magnet Gun, and his roommate Nano Forge. They never miss a court order, isn’t that right? Don’t let these trouble-makers fool you; they are smart sons of… well, except for the coke habit. Where’s Assault Rifle and Missile Launcher? Mmm, too bad. All the same, they’re just freeloaders.

Ah, remember earlier when I said Campaign and Narrative should start seeing each other? The credit goes to these two geniuses. Keep them clean long enough and you’ll see some real art. Truly, truly. Nothing like I’ve ever seen before. Genuinely inspirational stuff. But they’ll be out of here before you know it. Bigger and better things, right boys? … And we’re off.

Red Faction: Armageddon

Watch out for the RPG spill! Damn janitor, Persistent Experience. He’s around here, I’m sure. He ought to be cleaning all the apartments; he just doesn’t “work” work. Most of the tenants are tidy enough, but why bother if he’s only going to contribute a quarter of the time I pay him for? That bum rap came from, eh… I knew that I shouldn’t have read that magazine, Shooter Trends Monthly. The houses in it are just mansions.

And here’s the last filled apartment. I’d knock but Ruin Mode is a bit… it’s just a mess in there. He used to work with Campaign’s father in real estate, but now he just does contract jobs. Most fun I’ve had here was at his place, though. Ever smashed an armoire with a guitar? That kind of fun. Pure, simple. Magnet gun and his boys are into it.

Destruction: nothing quite like it. Of course that’s why they’re all in here. If they stay very long, it’s because they forgot what else is out there. Before them, and after.


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Author: Dan Crabtree View all posts by
Dan is Managing Editor for GamerNode and a freelance gaming writer. His dog is pretty great. Check him out on Twitter @DanRCrabtree.

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