Dear Xbox Live Arcade,
We have always had a great relationship. The day I met you, you sent me Geometry Wars. Now, you send me Yaris. Does this mean you are breaking up with me?
Sincerely,
Kyle Stallock
Let’s not beat around the bush — Yaris is by no means a good game. The graphics, music, gameplay, and overall presentation are offensively bad. Yes, offensively. The entire time I played this game, I felt as though a 50ft tall corporate figurehead from Toyota was cackling at me like a maniacal hybrid of the Joker and Nelson from the Simpsons. Simply put, I was not entertained.
So what’s it like? Well, it’s an on-rails driving game where you use the left stick to move left and right while driving in a half-pipe littered with coins, which you use to "upgrade" your vehicle, while using the right stick to aim and fire your "mechanosymbiont" at the mechanical spiders, Mexican wrestlers on mini bikes, and giant walking toasters that try and impede your…progress. Read that sentence again. Good? Ok. Now tell me what those things have to do with a Toyota Yaris, because I have no idea. I’m actually very fond of irreverent humor, when it’s done right, but this, this is just awful.
Some people say that I really can’t complain because this game is free. Well Mr. Idon’tknowwhatthehellI’mtalkingabout, if you were finishing up on the can (see also: toilet) and you had rolls and rolls of the finest brand of toilet paper imaginable, I’m talking that triple thick Charmin stuff with the soothing aloe, and someone knocked on the door and said that they had a piece of sandpaper wrapped in poison ivy leaves for you to use instead, you wouldn’t accept their offer, would you?
Seriously though, with all of the top-notch games that have come out over the last, oh I don’t know 20 years, why in the hell would you ever spend your precious time on something as blatantly awful and uninspiring as an adver-game based on Toyota’s new Yaris?
